Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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