Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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