Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
