I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
