why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
