I am midnight drunk by noon
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
