So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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