why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
