I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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