it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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