just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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