I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
