And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
