he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
