Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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