I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
