The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
sex in a hospital.. check
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
