I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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