I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
