I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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