Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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