If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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