in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
