I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
