how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
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I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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