I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
