If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
