I'm lost and stupid without you.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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