So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
