I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
