she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
