If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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