My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
