Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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