Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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