Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
