God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
