I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We are all done wearing pants today
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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