walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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