just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
