I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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