so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
