Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
