I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
