If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
