Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
