does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
