It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
