he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i think my cat just said my name.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
