god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
