I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
