so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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