I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
