I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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