You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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