I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
