Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
