I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
