The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
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So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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