He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.