Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
