he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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