This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
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My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
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so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.