Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me