I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
